John Terry's Criminal England 11
Fabio Capello sacked John Terry as England captain following his extra-martital affairs. However, as our England criminal eleven shows, Terry was actually a pretty good choice to lead this bunch of morally bankrupt millionaires.
The manager himself
Before we get to the team, let's spend 2 minutes looking at disciplinarian Fabio Cappelo, the England manager with the choice over Terry's captaincy. He famed for his clear thinking, and his love of "order, education, cleanliness and respect".
Unfortunately he expressed this as part of a speech praising Franco, the Spanish facist dictator.
Perhaps not the moral compass needed in the current situation....
Obviously we'll start with England's main World Cup hope, Wayne Rooney. He'll be leading the line, getting the match winning goals and has been in great form for Man Utd. So perhaps Wayne would be a good choice as next captain?
Unfortunately, Mr Rooney has previously admitted visiting prostitutes which isn't exactly a great CV for a national role model...
Ok, so how about Darren Bent as his strike partner? A decent return of goals for a struggling Sunderland side illustrates Bent's quality. The trouble is, he was previously cautioned by the police for shooting a 12-year old boy with a pellet gun.
First up, Frank Lampard the 100% professional. In recent years a goal scoring machine from deep, clearly intelligent and driven. Shame then that Frank blemished his record with a drinking session involving nudity, swearing, vomiting and abusing US tourists - all just 24 hours after the September 11 terror attacks.
Maybe David Bentley has impressed Capello with his recent form for Spurs and could provide some real width. Or perhaps it was his drink driving charge that caught the eye.
Surely Liverpool living-legend Steven Gerrard is the man to steady the ship. Ah, no wait a minute... wasn't he arrested for a late night assault in a bar?
Ok, let's look outside the usual suspects for a fringe squad member - maybe we can get some decency there? How about Jermaine Pennant for a bit of pace on the wing? Sadly, not only was he arrested for drinking driving, but when first questioned by the police he told them he was Ashley Cole!
The back four is where the real troublemakers hang out.
First up, the world's greatest leftback, Ashley Cole. Not only did he get caught driving at 100mph in a 50mph zone, he cheated on national treasure Cheryl Cole. (He vigourously defended this accusation not by saying it was false, but by citing his right to privacy...)
So onto his fellow full back, Glen Johnson... who was arrested for stealing a toilet seat from B&Q.
Rio Ferdinand. Oh dear. The new England captain was not only banned for 8 months for missing a drugs test, he has also had the bad luck to be banned from driving not once or twice but 4 times.
And the last member of our fab four is John Terry himself who has well documented problems that are the root of this page.
Now I have to admit, England goalkeepers actually have pretty clean records as far as brushes with the law go. And they seem to have pretty settled family lives as well.
So I can only accuse David James of crimes against fashion for his history of terrible hair styles.
And that completes my England team of 11 upstanding members of the football community. God help our children.