A Dollar Bill is Just as Dirty in Either Hand

Blake C. PatriaStarred Page By Blake C. Patria, 28th Feb 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>News>Politics

An increasingly common observation regarding the folly of the Left vs. Right debate.

Look! He's talking again!

I guess I've written enough slings and arrows in the direction of conservatives that some of you probably think I'm a "liberal". Well "liberal" is just a word that conservatives overuse. If you've ever stopped and listened to them long enough at some point, you've probably noticed that. That said, don't think I'll spare The Left either. They're just as prone to doing dumb things, but is that really all their fault? Is it really all The Right's fault? The answer to both questions is a thoughtful "naaahhh" with an eyebrow raised in the casual epiphany of a "yeah".

It's not the teams, it's the ballpark.

We've built up quite a complicated country over the past few centuries. We've made big mistakes, and had to work hard to fix them. The problem is we're always going to be making mistakes, and having to work hard to fix them. Unfortunately we've made it harder to fix future mistakes, and we make mistakes to solve problems. Part of this is switching parties and policies. One party has to use their party's solution to sweep the last party's mistake under the rug, but mostly the biggest problem is money.


The conservatives like a free market which is a good, American thing, but once those corporations get out of control, The left has to step in with using the government to fix those problems. Unfortunately, you can work for a government and a corporation at the same time. This makes for a huge, confusing knot that the average voter cannot untie. This same cycle has been going on for over a century, and money is the hand that turns the crank.

Stop pointing fingers

When you point a finger, you look more like the problem than the solution. You can't just call millions of people lazy because they're on welfare in a recession. It just makes you look like a rich person who grew up with a silver spoon in their mouth. You can't say that rich people didn't work hard to get where they are because it makes you look like you're not creative.

Relax, your guns will never be taken away.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to go ahead and agree that taking away our guns is stupid. Then I'm going to have to pay extra money to an arms dealer (I can get better guns from her anyway) to make sure I can protect my "investment".

Seriously though. Chill out. This is America in the 21st century. Even if they did make good on their threat to take your guns, would you let them? Do you think they haven't thought this over? This is why both Red Dawns are the cheesiest eye-candy-that-I-love ever. No one invades us because we are bristling with guns just like nobody has nuked us because of Mutually Assured Destruction. We have guns just in case our government tries to take our guns away. We haven't been using our guns for that, but at least we know we can. If I had the money, I'd have an AK-47 under my bed, an AR-15 in my closet, a .44 Magnum under my pillow, a cute little Ruger in in my toilet-paper roll, an Uzi in my toilet, and several RPGs in my sewing-room. People that have enough money feel the same way too, so . . .

It's not that I'm scared of prowlers or muggers or drug-dealers. No, I'm worried about DHS kicking down my door because I said something drunk and stupid on Facebook. I'm not the only one who feels that way too which is what prevents it from happening anytime soon.

Trying to stop global warming is a noble cause, but . . .

The planet changes its climate all the time. This planet has bounced back from the impact of huge asteroids causing global extinction. Yeah, we should be careful about our carbon, and figure out better, cleaner technology, but that's just a bunch of new rules that will make conservatives whine. Rules suck anyway. Really the only thing we're protecting here is humanity, but we have to think of the economy! We have to think about the oil companies! We need a free market to stay American!

Seriously though; the planet will be fine, and humanity (one way or another) will get what they deserve. Just make the best of it.

Don't ask ME for a solution.

If you're looking for a solution from me, I don't have anything very constructive. All I can say is if you're that worried about it, quit bitching, put away your iphone, get off your ass, and start a riot. Throw a brick through a window. Slash a police cruiser's tires. Mug a politician. Loot a Walmart. Take a dump on the stairs of your state house. Hack into the IRS or Federal Reserve, and have a ball. I'd tell you to be a cop, and fuck up things from the inside, but they already do in the most horrendous way you can imagine, and it would be like telling you to become a president; all your grandiose ideas of how you are going to fix things will blow up right in your face when you discover what it really means to be president . . . so vote for Batman. Be a journalist, and follow a candidate around. Leave a flaming bag of poo on a Rockerfeller or Rothchild's doorstep. Just quit bitching. We've all heard enough bitching that If you are stupid enough to blow up a building everybody with internet access will know your motivations for doing so. Just don't do it if you happen to be or look Islamic because the conservatives will have the hugest hardon ever. Also if you're white or have ever gone to church, the liberals will conclude you are some sort of white supremacist, and it won't make the Libertarians look any better either. In fact, you should probably not bomb a building no matter who you are because it's bound to be misunderstood, and somebody will use you as cannon fodder for their political agenda.

More Bad Advice

My best advice is this: Just be yourself, and do what you would normally do whether things change or not. If something you normally do becomes illegal, do it anyway. If you get caught and get fined, don't pay it. If you have to go to jail for that, get ready to learn a new side of life. Eventually they'll set you free, and you can go back to doing what you want again with your jail education making it harder for you to get caught.

If you go to prison . . . well let's just put it this way; your state will care about you more than they did when you were in school. The average state pays something like $40,000 on a convict in a state prison where a student of a public school only gets around $10,000. The food is about the same except you don't have to pay for it in prison. You'll have plenty of time to read, work out, think, invent clever ways of constructing a knife, make new friends, and get all of those tattoos you've been wanting. Reap the full benefits of your states education! Or maybe just apply for a grant or scholarship, and learn how to stay out of prison in the first place.

What about FEMA camps?

You know, I always thought Adel was a very talented singer, very attractive too. I could have listened to her sing all night, and we would have been in a heavenly love until she could no longer deal with my insanity, and then she would write an entire album about me, and if she was crazy enough I could write one about her, but chances are I would probably only write one or two songs about her because she's like the Disney version of Amy Winehouse. Amy Winehouse, however, had borderline personality disorder which means living with her would have been constant conflict (trust me: been there done that), and I could only milk a song or two from that, so---what were we talking about? Oh, right! Adel is gorgeous. She may be a few years younger, but she's European which might mean she's a little more mature too. She's also alive, and probably doesn't have BPD. Wait, is she married? Oh well. I probably would have had more in common with Amy Winehouse anyway. We're both crazy. We're both Virgos. We're both covered in bad tattoos---doesn't she have my name tattooed on her left breast? We both have a lot of soul. We both like to drink. We would have been a hot mess together.


America, Conservatives, Global Warming, Guns, Jail, Laws, Left, Liberals, Libertarians, Money, Politics, Prison, Right, School, Welfare

Meet the author

author avatar Blake C. Patria
My name is Blake C. Patria. I am a musician, a writer, a philanthropist, a philosopher, etc. I enjoy science and its fictions. I also enjoy philosophy and Punk Rock. My work will tell more :)

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author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
28th Feb 2014 (#)

I agree with many parts except about global warming I do think this is a real concern and we need to improve how we are treating the earth and stop being so wasteful.

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author avatar Blake C. Patria
1st Mar 2014 (#)

Yeah, we gotta do something, but you know how the oil companies like to drag their feet, and try to publish a bunch of crap that says global warming is a myth. The conservatives embrace it, and will fight tooth and nail, not even looking for a "free market" solution *cough* Tesla *cough*. Enter: The non-profit sector, as far as waste goes. Hmmmmm . . . ideas! Wow, though! There's enough problems to drive a person crazy! Monsanto. The Fed. All that fun stuff.

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
1st Mar 2014 (#)

this is a great piece and fascinating read Blake..so glad we have a few like you here who talk/write commonsense. Thank you...

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author avatar Blake C. Patria
1st Mar 2014 (#)

Thanks, Carolina! It's nice to have a place where I can get paid to speak my mind, and meet interesting new people.

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
4th Mar 2014 (#)

Nice read!

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